What is this malaise?

Heart

What is this malaise?

A one-act skit

It’s time for Diane’s semi-annual physical.  Diane is sitting on the exam table in the doctor’s office.  The doctor knocks on the door and then walks in.

Doctor:

Hello, Diane.  It’s good to see you again.  How are you feeling today?

Diane:

Doctor, I’m in a real funk.  I just have no energy.  I’m just dragging.   I don’t want to do anything,

Doctor:

Well, let’s take a look to see if there’s a physical cause for this malaise. (The doctor takes the scope off of the wall and looks in Diane’s ears.)  The inner ears look normal.

The doctor goes over to the sink and gets a tongue depressor.

Doctor:

Let’s look at the throat and tongue.  Open wide, please. (The doctor places the depressor on Diane’s tongue.)  There’s nothing wrong with your tongue or throat.

The doctor throws away the tongue depressor.  The doctor takes the stethoscope from around his neck and puts the earpieces in his ears.

Doctor:

I’m going to listen to your heart and lungs.  (The doctor presses the end of the stethoscope at various places.)  The lungs and heart sound good.  (He looks at Diane’s chart.)  Your blood pressure is within range and your lab work results are good.

Diane:

Well, I’m glad that there’s nothing wrong with me physically.

Doctor:

Have you been getting any exercise?

Diane:

I have a Fitbit Charge and I’ve been trying to get in 7,000 steps a day.  But it’s harder to do on the weekends because it’s too cold to walk.

Doctor:

A good, brisk walk will get the heart pumping and it will warm you up.

Diane:

I know, Doctor, but I don’t think that not getting enough exercise is the reason for my malaise.

Doctor:

It’s February – maybe you have Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I could prescribe a light box to help with that.

Diane:

Hmm, maybe.  (Diane looks down and sighs.)

Doctor:

Wait a minute. You’re a Cardinals blogger.  I really enjoy reading your blog posts.  (pause) Has there been a time lately that you have felt good?

Diane:

I did feel really good during Martin Luther King, Jr. weekend.  That was Winter Warm-Up weekend, you know.

Doctor:

(slowly smiles) I think I know what’s causing your malaise, Diane.

Diane:

Tell me what it is, Doc, before I lose my mind!

Doctor:

You are suffering from Baseball Deficiency Disorder.

Diane:

What?!? (Diane glares at the doctor.)

Doctor:

The symptoms are sadness and loss of desire to do anything. It only occurs from the end of the World Series until spring training starts. It is  exacerbated by the long, dreary days of winter.  The only cure for BDD is some baseball, especially  the Cardinal variety.

Diane:

I know, but spring training doesn’t start for 13 days. What can I do, Doc?

Doctor:

(pause)  I think I may have a cure for your problem.  Wait right here.  I’ll be right back.  (The doctor leaves the room and shuts the door).

Diane:

(to herself) What in the world is Doc up to?  Maybe it’s time for me to find a new doctor.

The doctor knocks and then comes back into the exam room.  He hands Diane an envelope.

Doctor:

Open the envelope, Diane.  I think you’ll like what’s inside.

Diane opens the envelope. Her eyes grow big as saucers.

Diane:

Doctor!  These are spring training game tickets!

Doctor:

See how quickly you felt better?  (The doctor starts to laugh.)

Diane:

But Doc, I can’t take your tickets! How am I ever going to pay you for these tickets?

Doctor:

These are on the house.  My wife and I were going to go to Jupiter for spring break, but my wife’s parents are coming to town and we can’t go.  (The doctor looks down sadly.)  At least, I know you would use these tickets and enjoy the game.  Be sure you write about your spring training  experience on your blog, okay?  I can enjoy it vicariously through you.

Diane jumps off the exam table and hugs the doctor.

Diane:

Thank you, Doc! Thank you so much!  I feel so much better already!

Doctor:

It’s good to see you happy again.  Now make sure you make your next appointment before you leave.  I’ll see you in six months.

The doctor exits the exam. Diane carefully puts the envelope with the tickets in it in her purse, then exits the exam room with a huge grin on her face.

THE END

Yes, this is a skit.  No, I do not have a doctor who knows I’m a Cardinals blogger, let alone that I’m a baseball fan.  But I do have that malaise called Baseball Deficiency Disorder, and I’m sure that you, my loyal reader, have BDD too.  As I write this, spring training doesn’t start for 13 more days. So close and yet so far! I once again auditioned for the KMOX Sports Correspondent contest, but since I haven’t heard from them, I probably didn’t make the finals. I’ll have to to win the lottery so I can go to spring training.

This weekend is the Super Bowl, and after that, baseball is right around the corner.  I just hope the calendar moves quickly!  Thanks as always for reading! See you next time!

Diane

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